i'm crying as i'm trying to write my vows. so how am I supposed to say them on Sunday? i'm not stressed about anything anymore, but i wasn't nervous until today...

breathe. breathe. breathe.  It's getting increasingly more difficult.  I have no motivation to do anything at work these days, yet, I still get worked up over some things.  I need a balance of not caring, but still getting things done, to keep my job.  but i don't want my job, so how is that supposed to work?  I know I need the money, which is why I am still here...  but the way I feel every day is terrible.  I can't do this assurance renewal because I don't want to lie for this company anymore.  Well I never really did, but I'm just so so sick of it.  I wish I were still a tech, so I could just do the mindless work and get through the next 18 days.  After the wedding I really HAVE to get out of here.  Even 18 days is just too long.  And what if I can't get out of here then?  People are living in TENTS in Florida because they can't find jobs.  I actually have a job, but maybe I would rather be living in a tent...  All I can think is, "this better be worth it."  It's terrible that those are my thoughts most of the time.  This is should be a really happy time in my life.  I almost can't remember what it's like to be really happy.  It's so infrequent now.  ok i have to go because i'm sitting at my desk starting to cry.  time to hide in the bathroom.